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Steve "I'LL KICK MY OWN ASS" Rogers ([personal profile] usavatar) wrote2011-08-27 08:40 pm

I WAS MADE TO HIT IN AMERICAAAA

He should know not to go out at night by himself. Not because he's in any danger - Captain America in New York City on a less-than-average day doesn't have much to worry about. But because, almost without exception, he gets lost. Steve tucks his hands into the pockets of his jeans and squints up at the buildings around him, ignoring the college student who staggers by, stops to stare at him, and bursts out laughing before moving on.

He's used to that, too, by now. Apparently dressing conservatively these days isn't a reflection of care for the resources of the country, or a side-effect of living life as a soldier for two years - it's just "dorky." At least he doesn't feel like someone's taped a sign to his back, not since he asked Darcy - Agent Lewis - why he kept getting that reaction.

Of course the fact that she had to explain what 'Because you're a dork' meant didn't really help his... street cred. He chuckles to himself, only a little ironic, at managing to use both terms in one train of thought.

A few streets later he's getting very confused. Usually he's able to find at least one familiar street or landmark to point him in the general right direction, at least until he finds a cab to get him the rest of the way back to the mansion. He's done this enough in the months he's been here that his assigned SHIELD shadows don't pop a vein unless he's not back by morning - in this case, though, that's probably working against him.

Finally Steve sighs and digs into his pocket to pull out his cellular phone. He looks at it for a moment, smiling to himself and wondering what Howard would make of all this. Tiny phones with tinier batteries and communicators and jets that don't need runways to take off.

Well, for all Steve knows, Howard invented most of it. He still hasn't been able to bring himself to look at history texts to see how his friends lived out their lives. There's something too much like admitting he's never going to see them again in doing that.

He flips the phone open gingerly, poking the tiny buttons with his pinky because he's not sure how else to manage the thing, and dials in what he's fairly sure is Darcy's number. Agent Lewis's number. He could try calling someone else, but she's friendly, in her own way. She doesn't treat him like a loaded gun waiting to be pointed at the next Big Bad Guy.

Steve lifts the phone to his ear with a frown. "Uh. Hello?"
hulk: (What has been passed on.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-01 01:47 am (UTC)(link)
"Well, compared to Tony, I'm pretty sure most people are good." It's out, cynical and a little bitter, before he even realizes what he's saying, and the moment he does is obvious - his eyes go wide and a hand claps over his mouth. "Sorry," comes the muffled apology, followed by slightly less muffled babbling. "I shouldn't have- I don't know where that een- Sorry, that's. Sorry."

Bruce shifts in his seat awkwardly as he wrings his hands together in his lap. After a few moments (that seem much longer than they actually are) of awkward silence, he tries to get things back on track. "Uh. S-so. How did that all... Happen? I mean. Most of the stuff I've r- It's not really. The beginning isn't ever really discussed that much. I mean. If you want to talk about it, you obviously don't have to if y- I don't mean to be all nosy or anything."

Being a part of the team and part of S.H.I.E.L.D. has given Bruce some sort of clearance level, he's pretty sure, but. There's something that seems very rude to just go and look through people's files and folders just because he can.
hulk: (Certain aspects of my personality.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-01 05:07 am (UTC)(link)
There's a number of things that Bruce could say Tony could stand to do - a great number of things, really - but he doesn't say any of it. It all gets shuffled down the queue and shelved away with all the rest that he tries to ignore.

"No, no, it's. That's something to get all... About. You don't have to apologize, and, I mean. Especially not to me. I'm kind of pretty much the poster guy for anger issues." He tries to smile an apology there, make it seem slightly less of a deal than it is, but. It only halfway works.
hulk: (You want fries with that?)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-01 07:50 am (UTC)(link)
He fidgets a little, recognizing the uncomfortable and knowing it's mostly his fault. He's never been good with words, or even at the basic interactions with other people.

"No, I don't mind, it's. You've gone and shared, so the least I can do is go and do the same. Uh." He rubs the back of his neck, his head going back to quietly thunk against the wall. "I guess I have, though I wasn't really, you know. Paying attention to the scenery a lot. Been through most of the Midwest, upper East Coast, um. Ended up heading along the Rockies into Alaska... Then down through Mexico and that whole part of Central America. Spent the most time in, hm. Brazil and Canada. Then here, of course." He bites his lip thoughtfully. "I liked the rain forests down there. Humid, really humid, and hard to move around in, but there was just so much color. Just... Popping everywhere, and all of it bright and vibrant." Even after every flower he brought back with him after his hikes turned out to be a dead end, he could still appreciate the aesthetic of it. And walking alone in the jungle, you could feel like you were the only person on the planet.

Bruce assumes Steve's read at least a little of his file - being as up until these past few months he was one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s top priorities, he also assumes that file is as comprehensive as can be. It's just how things are. He can hope that the Captain's missed or skipped over some things, but. Hope's not really gotten him much of anywhere.
hulk: (I can't control it.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-02 09:11 am (UTC)(link)
"Yeah," Bruce chuckles quietly. "Different is... That's definitely one way to put it." He shrugs at Steve, a little half-smile on his face. "I heard nice things about it. Uh, both New England and old En- I mean. Europe. In general. But the languages are always a thing." His fingers steeple and flop apart again as he mutters, "I still don't have a good handle on Portuguese." He'd meant to keep at it, even if he didn't need to know it anymore. It was something to help pass the time, to set a different part of his brain working to give the cure-driven section a break.

Of course, here time isn't something that he's in huge supply of here. Most of it's spent either heading out on missions and sleeping off the aftereffects of his episodes. Then there's the meditation exercises, which he's need to up a bit, given certain housemates and their tendency to rub his nerves raw, and catching up on the stuff he's missed. Remembering to eat now and again pretty much rounds it all out, at least in between experiments.

"I heard that, uh..." Bruce stops there, reminding himself of just when Steve was over there in Europe, and that no matter what time of year, nice didn't much enter into the scenery. "Er. ...Well, it's been a long time since I was in a city big as New York. I mean. For an extended period, that is. There was the one time I came up this way before and that... That. Didn't go so well." His ears burn and his eyes go off to the side to avoid looking at other man as he remembers Harlem burning from the helicopter's windows.
hulk: (Maybe I belong in a cage.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-03 06:05 am (UTC)(link)
He huffs quietly, too hollow to be a laugh, even a self-deprecating one.

"Sorry, but. You must've heard pretty wrong on that one since. Well. That's just not how it happened."

Cleaning up things that only could have happened because of your own stupid mistakes doesn't make you a hero. Certainly not when 'cleaning up' just ends up making a bigger mess of things across the board.
hulk: (What has been passed on.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-03 06:25 am (UTC)(link)
"I jumped, yeah, but. Everything else though, that... That wasn't me. That was all, you know." Bruce hates saying that stupid codename. So much. And so he avoids doing so whenever possible. "So whatever It ended up doing... Everyone's just lucky that's how It decided to be that day instead of going and making everything worse."

He shakes his head and tries to find the words. "It's like when you set a second fire to go and fight a bigger, first one. You don't go and, uh, congratulate that second one, you just go and count your blessings the wind was the right way and things didn't burn twice as fast."
hulk: (You don't wish you were me.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-08 03:12 am (UTC)(link)
"It wasn't faith, or the right choice, just. There wasn't anything that could have stopped it, and. Enough people had gotten hurt already. Way more than enough."

Bruce squirms a bit in his seat, more than a little uncomfortable. It's one part his usual not knowing what to do in conversation, more parts talking about his episodes, and even more parts being uncertain what to do with being called a hero. So he latches onto something else.

"Erskine? That's." His forehead wrinkles a bit, trying to remember where he's heard that name before. "I think I've read some of his work," he says slowly, chewing on his lip until it hits him. "It was mostly B- Uh. Another scientist's focus than mine, I was all in--" There's a general hand-wave as to where he was before getting back to point. "Anyway, what little the General let us see, you know, in between the edits, that is, it was. It was brilliant stuff. Th-"

Wait, something does not make sense. Bruce had assumed that Dr. Erskine was just another scientist Ross had contracted on another project, and he hadn't presumed that he knew the community well enough to know everyone. But if Steve...

"How did you know him?"
hulk: (Default)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-08 06:49 am (UTC)(link)
Bruce may be awkward, and sometimes he can't see the forest for the trees, but it can never be said that he's dumb. All the information clicks together in his head and his mouth makes a small 'o' of realization. Now things make sense, or as much sense as things ever do in his life these days. It's still hard to picture a sickly and scrawny Steve, but a serum akin to what Betty had produced from Erskine's notes wou-

Once his brain starts though, it keeps going, and the realization goes from quiet to pained.

Ross had Erskine's notes. Ross would have known - he'd had to have known where those notes came from. And Ross had wanted a weaponized result. A super soldier. A whole slew of Captain Americas.

If he'd needed another yardstick to measure his failings against, well, Bruce sure has it now. Sitting across from the real reason for his research, what it all should have resulted in, and what he himself was now...

"Damn it," he mutters as he starts slowly and methodically pounding the back of his head against the wall.
hulk: (Don't have a Ben Franklin complex.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-10 06:57 am (UTC)(link)
Bruce startles a bit at the sudden there-ness of Cap, and that on top of the slow throbbing ache at the base of his skull is enough to get him to stop. Blinking up at the other man, it takes a minute to process what he's being asked (self-induced head trauma does have that kind of effect). Once it sinks in, there's an ironic chuckle and a bitter smile.

"You happened," he replies, as if it should be obvious. "And then I happened, and." He shakes his head, still laughing hoarsely as his head lolls back against the wall and rests there. He brings up a hand, drags it down his face. "I mean, I knew I'd screwed up pretty bad, but not to that certain kind of epic degree of failure until. I- Not that it's news to much of anyone, but I'm just. A complete idiot. That's all. Sorry."
Edited 2011-09-10 06:58 (UTC)
hulk: (You should have killed me.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-10 08:20 am (UTC)(link)
Whatever it is, we can all fix it.

Steve doesn't know how hard that choice of words hits, and it starts Bruce off laughing all over again. He's been trying to fix it for the better part of a decade now with no luck and as much as the offer's appreciated, he's pretty sure there's nobody out there who can help him along with it.

"The Gamma Pulse Project," he says after he's caught his breath. "What I was working on when- They wanted you. We had Erskine's notes, but we didn't know, and." Shaking his head, Bruce slips back into laughter, but drier this time, without that moseying-toward-unhinged sound it had before. "They wanted you, and what they got was me. I mean - just look at me." There's a helpless shrug, and something tugs at the corner of his mouth before giving up. "It's kind of funny, you know, once you get past how ridiculously far off the actual mark I was. Hilarious, even."
hulk: (I don't want to control it.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-11 09:16 am (UTC)(link)
Blinking in confusion, Bruce looks at the back of Steve's head. Cap isn't the only one who's tired. "Huh? ...What are you sorry for? That's." He thought he'd made that clear enough, but apparently he was wrong about that too. A long minute passes before he scoots himself until his feet hit the floor again.

"Look, I." He stares at the floor and tries to go and figure out what he's going to say without screwing up what he means. "If you had gone and... You know. Made a lab rat of yourself. You wouldn't have gone and. Done what you did. Which made a difference. N-not only in the whole, er, war thing, though you did make a huge difference there too, I'm not saying you didn't but." Bruce keeps his eyes down and his ears go more than slightly red. "You probably go and get this a lot, but. You've meant a whole lot to people since then, even to the people who just thought it was a, um. Comic book story. Just. That's important enough for--"

Bruce shakes his head as his hand fists at his pants, the clothe bunching up between his fingers. "What happened to me, that... I know that wasn't anyone's fault but my own. I was stupid and impulsive and reckless and I didn't think beyond the." He cuts himself off there - it's an old rant, one he's rehearsed in his head too many times to count, and Steve doesn't need to hear it. "So that's. It's not on you."
hulk: (Zero days without incident.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-13 06:11 pm (UTC)(link)
He almost puts a hand on Steve's shoulder in some kind of reassuring gesture, but he's too unsure, too slow, and then Steve's up and moving and Bruce pulls his hand back before it can be noticed. For a moment, he thinks he's screwed up again and Steve's going to up and leave - not that Bruce would be able to blame the guy, of course.

...It probably wouldn't help, no. It would probably have him blanching and wondering what was wrong with kids today. Then again, compared to him, Steve still is a kid, and it's a bit of a trip to remember that, technically, Bruce is the older one here.

He replies in a small voice, and feels even more like a failure compared to Steve as he does so. "I don't want to be anybody's hero. I just... All I wanted-" He shakes his head because to put it in past tense is wrong, like he's given up on it. He hasn't, darn it. He won't. "All I want is to be normal. To be left alone. That's it." Compared to Steve, who's still fighting the good fight after all these years, it's cowardly and petty and selfish and Bruce knows it. It's the truth, though; at least he can say that he's honest about it. Not much of a plus, but still.
hulk: (Certain aspects of my personality.)

[personal profile] hulk 2011-09-14 06:01 am (UTC)(link)
Bruce shrugs, eyes still on the hands in his lap. He doesn't know for sure which things Steve means, but for him, there's only one figuring that matters, so. "When I figure things out, only thing it'll mean is me not being here anymore. But until then, I guess. I'm stuck with what I'm stuck with."

Scratching at his neck, a rueful smile settles on his face. "I'm more, um. The running away type. Lots and lots of running." Not so much anymore, but it worked well enough when he did.

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